Let's Bitch

How do you hit someone and just drive off?? How???????? What kind of person do you have to be??? I’m sooo sorry Jerry. This wouldn’t have happened if you weren’t heading to go to the gym with me. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I miss you so much. You were an amazing person and I am blessed that I had the short amount of time with you that I did.

http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/headline/metro/6372972.html

I don’t get sick that much, but can someone explain to me why when I do it is always at the most inopportune time?? I have plans for this weekend that have been in the works for months now. I am entered to run a race on Saturday…how in the hell I am supposed to do that when it is taking all of my effort to sit up in this computer chair right now? I guess passing out and having the ambulance take you across the finish is one way to get there first. I have been training for this thing forever…so why is it the Thursday before the event I wake up with a fever and chills and puking up dinner from the night before? I guess the mad dash I had to make to the toilet is God’s funny way of helping me train?? Not to mention my “date” for Saturday night. That whole “In sickness and in health” commitment comes when you get married….I don’t think it starts at the first date. Oh and Halls…really funny…sticking the tiny little “excessive consumption may have a laxative effect” warning on the back of the package in font so small it would take a magnifying glass to read it. I was 14 cough drops in before I discovered that little gem. So now I get to try and balance the aforementioned nausea and vomiting with the results of somehow not seeing your font size 2 disclaimer. In conclusion - germs…if you are listening…I don’t mind that you come to visit me every now and then…but can we like work together and schedule it in next time??

The phrase “I know it by heart” makes no sense to me in the context that everyone uses it.  Since when does your heart do any memorizing or remembering for you?? Wouldn’t it make a whole lot more sense to say “I know it by brain”?? I’m sure that phrase started back in the times when people actually believed that your heart did the functions that we now know are performed by the brain.  So since we have now educated ourselves otherwise, wouldn’t it be a good time to stop using that phrase in that context…since we now know it makes NO FRIGGIN SENSE!?!?!?!

If someone asks you how you know you are happy or how you know you are in love…that would be a completely appropriate time to say “I know it by heart.” BUT if someone asks you how you just recited Pi to the 46th digit…please think(with your BRAIN) before you speak and let them know that “I know it by brain!”

Picture this scenario: There is only one lane open at the grocery store and the line is starting to get long.  The store manager or whoever  it may be sees this and calls a cashier to open another lane.  If you were the last one to join the line you SHOULD NOT be the first one to move over to the new line!  You just got in the freaking line…EVERYONE else has been waiting longer than you…why would you think that you should just get to move over????  The manger did not call the cashier over to open another lane just so you personally would not have to wait in line…jerk.

Dear Madams…

I did not realize when I accepted this new position that dealing with customer complaints was part of the job description, so forgive me that I am not very accommodating when doing so.  I can almost pretend to care about the legitimate ones, but if I have to spend one more minute listening to or reading about how you are “appalled” that we carry the swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated in our stores I think I might snap.  We are not the Family Christian Bookstore…we are a sporting goods retailer…we sell swimsuits…I’m sure you own several swimsuits…but for some reason the girl on the cover of the magazine wearing one is offense?  Is it because you know you will never look that good in one???  Do you seriously have nothing better to do with your time than to waste mine letting me know you are never going to shop with us again because one time a year our magazine rack has the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition sitting on it???  Wal-mart sells it, Walgreens sells it, Target sells it….go complain to one of them!!  The women on the cover of Shape and on the cover of Fitness are wearing less clothing than the women on the SI cover and no one complains about that.  It is funny how I haven’t had to deal with any MALE complaints on this….