Let's Bitch

I don’t get sick that much, but can someone explain to me why when I do it is always at the most inopportune time?? I have plans for this weekend that have been in the works for months now. I am entered to run a race on Saturday…how in the hell I am supposed to do that when it is taking all of my effort to sit up in this computer chair right now? I guess passing out and having the ambulance take you across the finish is one way to get there first. I have been training for this thing forever…so why is it the Thursday before the event I wake up with a fever and chills and puking up dinner from the night before? I guess the mad dash I had to make to the toilet is God’s funny way of helping me train?? Not to mention my “date” for Saturday night. That whole “In sickness and in health” commitment comes when you get married….I don’t think it starts at the first date. Oh and Halls…really funny…sticking the tiny little “excessive consumption may have a laxative effect” warning on the back of the package in font so small it would take a magnifying glass to read it. I was 14 cough drops in before I discovered that little gem. So now I get to try and balance the aforementioned nausea and vomiting with the results of somehow not seeing your font size 2 disclaimer. In conclusion – germs…if you are listening…I don’t mind that you come to visit me every now and then…but can we like work together and schedule it in next time??

The phrase “I know it by heart” makes no sense to me in the context that everyone uses it.  Since when does your heart do any memorizing or remembering for you?? Wouldn’t it make a whole lot more sense to say “I know it by brain”?? I’m sure that phrase started back in the times when people actually believed that your heart did the functions that we now know are performed by the brain.  So since we have now educated ourselves otherwise, wouldn’t it be a good time to stop using that phrase in that context…since we now know it makes NO FRIGGIN SENSE!?!?!?!

If someone asks you how you know you are happy or how you know you are in love…that would be a completely appropriate time to say “I know it by heart.” BUT if someone asks you how you just recited Pi to the 46th digit…please think(with your BRAIN) before you speak and let them know that “I know it by brain!”

Picture this scenario: There is only one lane open at the grocery store and the line is starting to get long.  The store manager or whoever  it may be sees this and calls a cashier to open another lane.  If you were the last one to join the line you SHOULD NOT be the first one to move over to the new line!  You just got in the freaking line…EVERYONE else has been waiting longer than you…why would you think that you should just get to move over????  The manger did not call the cashier over to open another lane just so you personally would not have to wait in line…jerk.

Dear Madams…

I did not realize when I accepted this new position that dealing with customer complaints was part of the job description, so forgive me that I am not very accommodating when doing so.  I can almost pretend to care about the legitimate ones, but if I have to spend one more minute listening to or reading about how you are “appalled” that we carry the swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated in our stores I think I might snap.  We are not the Family Christian Bookstore…we are a sporting goods retailer…we sell swimsuits…I’m sure you own several swimsuits…but for some reason the girl on the cover of the magazine wearing one is offense?  Is it because you know you will never look that good in one???  Do you seriously have nothing better to do with your time than to waste mine letting me know you are never going to shop with us again because one time a year our magazine rack has the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition sitting on it???  Wal-mart sells it, Walgreens sells it, Target sells it….go complain to one of them!!  The women on the cover of Shape and on the cover of Fitness are wearing less clothing than the women on the SI cover and no one complains about that.  It is funny how I haven’t had to deal with any MALE complaints on this….

I’ll be the first to mention that I am not the most patient person in the world; or probably in the room.  But, I do know that I am not the person I am about to describe as the most annoying person possible! 

I don’t understand how a 50 year old Asian woman riding a beach cruiser style bike down a busy high school aged infested sidewalk has the audacity to come to the crosswalk and push the button for the crosswalk signal 43 times within two seconds!  ONCE is enough.  Twice is a little obsessive and anything over that will get you dirty looks and possibly a very legitimate voo-doo curse issued under my breath.  In my experience, Asian people are never in a hurry – especially if you are behind one walking at the mall or in traffic.  Also, who would dare ride a bike in front of a high school at the precise time the kids have made it out to the streets and parking lots and then give off the illusion of being in such a hurry that they are unwilling to wait the 12 seconds for the cross light to signal the go ahead?  So picture if you will….a very busy sidewalk with angry and self proclaimed Princesses walking across the street to the nearest Starbucks for after school social hour and an old Asian woman on a bike trying to make it to the crosswalk.  Once the Asian lady makes it to the crosswalk she proceeds to hit the button multiple times.  I’m sitting in my car with my daughter and we are watching all of this happen.  My daughter notices the Asian lady pushing the button and asks why this lady keeps doing that.  I said I didn’t know, she must be mentally unstable and then I proceeded to chant “Banish, Bind, and Enemy Be Gone”.  So with all that said, please don’t be the person that mashes the button more than once.  This applies to elevators, buzzers, doorbells, and crosswalk signals.  You just look stupid and you piss people off.  STOP!